Friday, June 1, 2012
I was looking through my journal and found the following entry:
I am back on the path I left long ago. Though I don't know what caused me to stray in my journey, I can say that the "world" became more to me than God.
When I stepped back on the right path there were no cheers of triumph from within, but rather a solemn knowledge that I had once again detoured from God's plan.
However, that was not the worst of it....You see it was not God's Voice, Word, or even the cold pointing finger from a sermon spoken from the pulpit that brought me back, but rather the simple clear reasoning of a non-believer whose moral compass was fixed to a truer north than was mine.
Though God has never spoken to me in this way before, I know now that it was the best way to get me off the "dime". To know that a soul unsaved was more pure in thought and deed than I, was truly humbling.
This entry was a stark reminder that as a Christian I am as drawn by the world and its "delights" as much as anyone else. I fall like anyone, I bleed like anyone, yet the sins I commit cast a wider berth in the school of opinion than those of my non-believing friends.
The ripples of my minor indiscretions can become a tsunami in the face of others looking towards me as an example of Christian faith.
How many times have I casually lifted up this "world" with that wink and nod to my "carnal" nature, only to find someone looking at me, weighing what I have just done, with the professions of faith I have given?
You might say, "Oh don't be so hard on yourself," or "You are taking this all way too seriously," but in the end, I fear it is just this type of attitude that made me jog to the east or west when my path should have always been "Due North."
It is not an easy task that we Christians are called to, so for those faint in heart, or indecisive in faith, it may be better to step back and make sure this is truly the road you want to travel.
As for me, though I know its weight, as well as its end, I have chosen to pick up the cross of Christ once again. Its burden is only heavy when I try to carry it alone.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
There is a pain that is so pervasive, and so complete it threatens to define your very existence. No light shines from it. No joy emanates. It gobbles up your days by clawing away at your sanity minute by minute.
Thankfully it does not stay forever, but it stays too long. I try to rise above it, praying and giving thanks to God, but it beats me back into submission, and drives me from my God. Like a cancer it spreads through my body, destroying pieces of my life one morsel at a time.
Such has been my week, and I am trying to hold on.
I am grateful that my Lord deems me capable of managing this pain, growing my faith with each bout of pain, but I seek relief, if not just for a short time. It is this that I pray to my Lord, and Savior, and it is in this that I find my solace.